Someday we'll know why Sampson loved Delilah

After watching a walk to remember, all I can say is Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I owe it to myself. I'm all in now.

Sooner Surrender

Still wondering. I knew it would be hard. But I just can't get it out of my head. In my head there's this voice that says I made the right decision, and the other that says I am an idiot and I blew it because there is no way he'll take me back now after going back and forth like this three times. I wish I could just be make a decision and be happy with it but I guess I am just thinking too much and for that reason there are always pros and cons in a readily available list in my head and both sides are always about even. Divine intervention would be great right about now. Maybe that's why max randomly asked me to lunch today, to lecture me for an hour on how I'm being stupid. I could fall in love with him, and that scares me. The sooner I surrender to the truth, my feelings, then our love will count for everything.

Conventional Wisdom

"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet" ~Aristotle

College applications. I've got a few done, but I still have a lot left to do. I applied early to Northeastern; should hear back by the 31st. I still really want to go there or one of my other dream schools, but now I think I'm realizing that just about anywhere I go I'm going to have great opportunities and a bright future. I just want to be somewhere where I can be myself & be happy. I know people say happiness is an attitude, not a state of being, but I'm making a promise to myself, to be nothing but myself, wholeheartedly and fully my honest self, in college.

Things I wish I believed

I know I have the grace and charm of someone like Julia Roberts.

I deserve to be happy and successful

I have the power to change myself

I can make my own choices and decisions It is enough to have done my best

I am open and flexible to change in every aspect of my life

I am a lovable person

I can forgive and understand others and their motives

I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances

Still Can Feel You Kiss Me, Love

I keep replaying it over in my head, wondering if I made the right decision. There's this girl in my class, whos silently amazing, honestly one of the most internall beautiful people I've ever met, I asked her anonymously if she thought we could have any grasp on love. She claims that what we feel isn't really love, even though it's exciting. I kind of have to agree, that love is a daily commitment to someone, and I know, as much as I care about him, that I don't love him. I still empty though, like I let him down or let myself down for not letting myself be open to it. Whatever it is. But I think at this point in my life, I'm still young, forming my views about the world, and I still want to believe it's a good place so that I can start my future with optimism, and that's alot easier to do when I'm not devastated or have left part of myself here in California. I know it may hurt know, but I truly believe it was the right decision. I hope this decision doesn't make me cold to love; I understand that I need to protect myself now, but I have to promise myself that in the future, I will let myself fall in love.

Doubt

And maybe someday

We'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now and

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow

Someday



Photo credit yyllee07 deviantart

 oh Rob Thomas, its like youre looking into my soul when you sing these words. I hate this feeling of uncertainty in my heart. At times I feel as if I've lost the motivation to try, like everything I do is just enough to get by. I miss the days were I was amazing. I suppose I'm just burned out, high school is ending soon, but I mean this is the last leg of the race, I should be kicking it into high gear. Today I closed the garage door on my mom's car. Simple mistake, but I actually did the same thing last night and a few months ago. I know it's not a big deal, but its making me realize that I've become careless. I am like...Hamlet. I mean, I don't live in a society of manipulative bitches, and I don't have to murder my uncle, but I guess I think too much and I am kind of self-loathing arent I? I just have to find away to retain some self-worth and try not to screw up so much.

Speak Now

I look back at my other entries, and think in some ways I havn't changed, and in other ways I've changed alot. It's amazing how taking the time to pput thing into perspective or meeting an amazing person can completely turn your world around. Before I was lost, I suppose I still am, I mean are't we all always just searching for something or someone; someone to be, someone to love, someone to make the pain go away? I don't think it is being with this guy that makes me happeri, I think it was the fact that I was willing to open myself up again, and just be honest about who I was and what I wanted. I don't know if I was just afraid of being close to someone, or what, but at some point I realized that I never told him what I wanted. I never even asked for him to give me a second chance. People can't read your mind, if you want something, you have to ask for it. As cheesy as it sounds, I actually owe alot of this revalation to my girl, Taylor Swift. Listening to her new album, made me think that I don't want to leae and go to college without him even knowing. So I told him. Turns out he still had feelings there too. I'm not saying I love him, that we'll get married, I know it probably won't last but if I didn;t speak up I would have regretted it. I don't want to have the one that got away. I truely believe that if you are completely open and honest, people will see you for the beautiful person you are. In the words of Swifty, Speak now, because the only words you'll regret are the ones you never say.

Be somebody

         I should be happy, but I'm not. I dont know if its just today, because of that math test. I did so poorly. I was ashamed. But I've always known that I'm not good at math, so i don't think its that. Everyday I come home feeling so defeated, unworthy and like I will amount to nothing. Usually us IB kids just joke about not getting into college anywhere, but I really feel nervous that I won't get in, like anywhere. The essays our english teacher readss us, are so thoughtful and creative. One girl, who ended up going to MIT, wrote a silly essay about how awesome her hands were. another wrote from the perspective of the girl's favorite pair of sandals, and one guy wrote about facing his alter ego in a western style stand off. Who comes up with these things? How can the people who took the risk of being silly, get into to such amazing schools. Granted they have excellent test scores and recs, but cmon, alot of people have that. I have that, but I know that I don;t dazzle off the page. Listening to those essays makes me feel like I don't have any kind of personality, that I am simply a dull and dreary plain jane. All those glitter girls theyre all the same, trying to be somebody

Am I? I didn;t used to think that I was. I mean i know I'm nothing special, but I wouldn;t say that I'm boring. I am boring. Why didn't anyone tell me I was boring? I have alot of good aquaitences at school, but i dont go out on weekends, if you think about it, i literally have no regonizable talents or hobbies. I seriously don't. What do I do with my life? If I don't invent a personality soon, i won't just not get into college, i wont get anywhere in life.

I can hear that voice inside my head, only its not telling me who I am, its telling me to Be Somebody.

She's on Fire

As I listen to the beautiful words of Pat Monahan, I can only pray that someone will be able to see me in that way. The way where they just think, damn, she's incredible. I feel like I've always been that plain jane girl. Everyone tells me that I'm super nice, and I guess they just assume I'm smart because in quiet. I'm friends with alot of people, guys and girls. About two years ago, the guy I liked picked my best friend over me. Pathetic, I know, but I don't want to be just the friend. Or the nice girl. I want people to know my name. And have that mean something.